#4 vicarious athletes

Steelers fans rioting after the team’s win in this year’s Super Bowl: There's a reason the closest you've come to a "touchdown" is Madden NFL.

Here’s the hard and honest truth: You had nothing to do with the Steelers winning the Super Bowl, so stop saying “we did it!” What you did was slosh beer and inhale hot wings with your buddies while “your” team underwent grueling workouts, 5 a.m. practices, and faced one of the best offenses in the league.

To be clear, I’m not disparaging an interest in sports or team spirit. Who doesn’t love a man with good hand-eye-coordination and the ability to work up a healthy sweat at something other than video games? It’s forgivable for you to give pointers or even yell foul at your screen if you’ve actually made it to a sports field in the last month, but the two hours you spent creating a NCAA bracket does not mean that you are actually an athlete. And no, your fantasy football league doesn’t qualify you for a Heisman either.

Final score: athletic prowess, dealmaker; gratuitous shirtlessness post Super Bowl victory, dealbreaker.